She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
