I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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