i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
