god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
