I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
