Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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