Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Randomize
