why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
