Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
