from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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