dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Such a big mess for such a small penis
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
