if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I just want to make out with him forever
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
