They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
