i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
