On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
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