obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
