My first STD was from a foam party
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
