Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
