I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
you made out with another girl for some wings
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize