the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
