You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
