our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
