They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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