after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Randomize
