Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
