were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
