i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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