i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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