The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
