Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
