you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
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