Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
