happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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