I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
