I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
