My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
