dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
