Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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