my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I wish i was in the wii world.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Randomize
