I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
The Olympian is in my bed
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
