I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I was able to overlook the Affliction tee until he took it off and there was another tattooed on his body.
Was it at least attractive minus the Gargoyles or skulls... or whatever affliction is putting out these days?
Even a greek god couldn't pull it off. Told him I like Ed Hardy Better. Death Before Dishonor, baby. I'm sure it was a painful blow. hopefully he understands sarcasm.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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