Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Randomize