Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Randomize
