Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
There's even glitter on my cock...
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