good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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