Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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