I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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