he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
You should frame my arrest warrant.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
