I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
