I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
