im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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