I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I still have a little drunk in my system
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
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