i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Randomize