i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Randomize
