I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
