I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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