my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
