this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
