peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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