You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
