I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
