I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
You need a sexual gate keeper
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Randomize
