Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
