Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
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